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Alternative
Reunion Activities
Matthew
Gish, Highly-Compensated Special Contributor At Large
THE CURRENT SPOUSE---FORMER
BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND INTRODUCTION SESSION:
This activity would provide an environment, free from any embarrassment
or awkwardness, for alums to introduce their non-Carleton spouses to
their former flames from Carleton days. In this relaxed setting, current
spouses can become more familiar with facets of their current mate that
can only promote a deeper and more complete understanding of their own
relationships. This can only be for the good.
THE COMPS REEVALUATION
SESSION:
As we have explored the ³real world² we all have undoubtedly
recognized that the value of a liberal arts degree is only as good as
the integrity of the institution that granted it. We now have a special
concern that our alma mater not mistakenly grant degrees to the
undeserving. With this lofty goal in mind, several comps papers of the
class of 1987 can be reviewed for errors or omissions that might warrant
the rescission of their author¹s degrees and consequently enhance the
value of Carleton degrees for the rest of us.
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THE SIX DEGREES OF
COHABITATION:
In the same spirit as the popular party game ³The Six Degrees of
Kevin Bacon,² this game would reacquaint alums with the special
closeness of the Carleton community by challenging each alum to chose
another alum at random and establish a ³cohabitation chain² of six
degrees or less. The more ambitious might try three or two degrees.
BOOKLESS ALUM AUTOGRAPH
SESSION:
While it was probably the intention of nearly all members of our
class to have published at least one book by our 15th reunion (and
consequently be invited to the sponsored book signing session), some of
us who just kept putting it off have failed to produce even a single
book or pamphlet. This session would provide a forum these
underachievers to meet and trade autographs with similar unambitious
individuals with whom they might share similar unexceptional lives and
families.
OLD RELATIONSHIP
CONTINUATION ROOMS:
A fair number of our classmates left Carleton with relationships
that might be delicately described as ³unresolved.² There is nothing
quite as nostalgic as reviving a decade old spat. The reunion committee
could generously provide several thin-walled Watson rooms that would
allow alums who wished to continue ugly confrontations to do so, while
other classmates listen in from a lounge or adjoining room -- just like
old times.
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Really
Cool Reunion Awards
At our graduation 15 years ago, we all paid homage to those people that were simply better
than the rest of us with the presentation of the Senior
Awards. Now it is time, once again, to create and bestow awards, just
in time for the 15 year reunion. We hereby present this year's Reunion
Awards. Please consider carefully people that you think should receive
these lofty awards and send all nominations to Dean Cerny via Campus Mail.
The Stephen Lewis Honorary Just a Geek but Trying to Look Cool Award
This award could easily go to the entire graduating class of all of the
1980's, but the administration feels that there are people that represent this
worthy character more than their peers. Is it the Fleece Jackets they wear
inside their SUV's as they speed along the highway in rush hour traffic?
Is it the wraparound sunglasses they wear at night? Is it the way they
sport only the latest PDA's on their belts? You decide - and let us know.
The Traveled the Least Distance Since Graduation Award
This award is typically only meaningful after the 10th year reunion, since
98% of the class moved immediately to the Cities upon graduation. But now,
as most of us have since lost our cafe and bookstore jobs that kept us locked
into the thriving South St. Paul metropolis and moved elsewhere in search of
barista opportunities, we want to find those fortunate folks that have barely
left the campus lines. Many people consider Phil Zrimsek the shoe-in for
this category, since he is the campus ambulance-chaser and rents the honeymoon
suite in Musser. But perhaps there is someone even more fortunate that Mr.
Zrimsek. Do we have anyone from '87 that is now mowing the grounds for a
living? Or managing the dish line in Evans? Any squatters in Lyman
Lakes?
The Most Kids Award
Formerly known as "The Least Spare Time Award", this honor is given
to that person who accumulated the most dependents on his or her tax
return.
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The Most Disgusting Operation Since Graduation Award
As we all saunter through our 30's, perhaps the greatest part of aging
rapidly is the opportunity to start having old-people medical problems.
Immortality is long-forgotten and Prostate Cancer is right around the
corner. What better way to celebrate this embracing of middle age than to
award that person who has survived (or not) the least palatable medical
procedure in the last 15 years? Send in your nominations, with pictures if
you have them.
The Shortest Marriage Award
There's nothing like making a decision and sticking to it only long enough to
see what a horrible decision you made. This award goes to that person who
had the gumption and guts to call it quits before things got really nasty.
The Person Who Looks Most Like He Or She Did Way Back Then Award
Long considered a prize, this award is actually a recognition of the
difficulties encountered by people who have failed to mature at all from those
bygone days of our drunken and ridiculous youth.
The Person Who Looks So Different We Didn't Even Recognize Them Even
Though We Roomed With Them For Two Years Award
This award honors that person who has filled the intervening years with so
much experience, learning, and saturated fats that their fingerprints need to be
checked at registration to make sure that they're actually the same person that
graduated.
The Second Coming Award
Although offered for many years, the award has yet to
be given out at any reunion; perhaps our reunion could be the first!
Requirements for this award are somewhat more stringent than the other awards and include: nominations by every
person in the class, copies of all 'Voice articles and covers about your
world-saving efforts, evidence of ten (10) Pope-certified miracles, and passing
of oral exams on the New Testament by Bardwell Smith.
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