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Stories:
Guy
Hamilton Exclusive: Terrorists and the Alma Matter
Guy
Hamilton: On Location
You may have
read some of my work, or heard
about me from my admirers, or just read the engraved gold plaque above
the entrance to Sayles-Hill. Or
perhaps you even attended my funeral.
I’m Guy Hamilton, Ex-Ace Reporter for The
Carletonian.
I’m back:
back to tell a grizzly tale of horror and deceit, back to take
literary vengeance on perjurers of justice and goodness, back to collect
$200 for writing this story. And
what a story I have to tell.
The faint of
heart or black of lung may not want to read on—the tale I have to tell
is not for the faint of heart or the black of lung.
My
story begins where it ended—Manila, 1987, in the back of an ambulance.
Read
the Full Gripping Story
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Carltontontontonian Spotlight:
Uncle Carl
responds to classmates in quandries
Dear Uncle Carl: I'm
pretty busy now, what with saving the entire population of Togo from
starvation, building commuity housing for the criminally destitute in
Lapland, running the "Feed the World a Lot" international
nonprofit agency that feeds the world a lot, and doing interviews for
the upcoming Carleton Voice issue. I don't know if I'll have the
time.
Uncle Carl says: We have
videos of you peeing on the homeless people of Dundas. We'll show
them at Reunion if you're not there to stop us.
Dear Uncle Carl: I
feel so inadequate; I haven't saved the world, or my town, or even the
plants in my house. I've never had a Voice article about me.
How can I show my face at reunion among my classmates?
Uncle Carl says: You haven't? Not even one?
Wow. Hmmm.
More Enlightened Responses
from Uncle Carl
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Attending
Reunion
Tips:
Janie Finchdrew advises:
Reunion is an important time in everyone's life, like your first kiss,
or catching that 5 pound walleye, or attending your first wake. You
want to look and feel your best. Here are some pointers I've learned
along the way that will help:
Get a Haircut. No, dye
your hair. You don't want people at reunion to think you are
getting old. Also, you may want to look different at reunion than you probably will after reunion. This will avoid the whole
issue of libel, blackmail, and public embarrassment. You can always look at the photo and say "Not me!".
Get a new job. Or if you have
a job, get a new one. You want to impress people at reunion don't you?
Get a cell phone and a
beeper. This really impresses people. Particularly if you
take a call during class or in the middle of a conversation.
Work on this catch-phrase: (Glance at phone display) "Hang on, I need
to take this."
Work on your patter. People are going to ask what you've been doing for the past 15 years. You've gotta come up with something better than
the truth. Make the time sound a whole lot more interesting than it was. Make it sound like the only reason that you weren't a
cover-page story in the 'Voice was that you were too busy saving continents to grant
them the interview time. See above.
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MAJOR
Excuses:
We understand that everyone can't
make reunion every time (you worms). In case you can't come up with
any suitable excuse, take a look at the selection below, listed by college
major.
Economics
"I've run a cost-based analysis and the numbers just don't add up. Let's see, we take the derivative of the travel costs, add the factorial of the
additional contributions, amortize the sum over the period of the weekend, subtract out the financial gain, and we're coming up the the red.
Nope, just doesn't make sense.
Philosophy
If a lot of people attend reunion and I don't show up, will anybody notice?
I still don't have a job, so I can't afford it.
Romance Languages
I'd love to, dahling, but I have so many dates to choose from that weekend.
Computer Science
public class ReunionResponse {
public static void main(String args[]) {
ReunionResponse rr = new ReunionResponse();
rr.respond();
}
void respond() {
System.out.println("Can't make it this year; too busy programming");
}
}
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