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The New Carleton
Give Until it Hurts
Reunion: A Definition
'87 Reunion Ditty
Stoperation
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The New
Carleton
As we gather
together next year at our old Doesna Mater, those of us with some
semblance of memories will not fail to notice the many changes that
have happened on campus since those giddy days of our youth. These
alterations to the Carleton of our sepia-tone memories may hurt, but
change is natural, and we cannot expect things to always stay the
same, just as we should not have expected Gary Coleman to always stay
the cute kid he was on Diff'rent Strokes.
As a way of easing
the pain of the unexpected, here is a small list of some of the
larger changes to both the physical campus and the social life of
Carleton.
Oak Hill Estates
A fortuitous
lightning strike in the 90's briefly turned the “Hill of Three
Oaks” into the “Hill of Two Oaks and a Stump”. This natural occurrence gave some of the folks in the administration ideas which
finally reached fruition last year. The hill has been graded to a
more reasonable slope, the oaks are a memory, and there is now a
gated community in that area. The property taxes from the new houses
have helped pay for campus projects from improvements to the library to travel
and booze budgets for the faculty.
Spring Concerto
Given the
constrained area for Spring Concert (see "Oak Hill Estates", above), the college
mildly altered Spring Concert to become a chamber music forum. This change addressed the needs of both a more
intellectual outlet than before and a smaller space requirement,
since the total attendance is typically no more
than 30 people, including all of the bands. This improvement also vastly simplified the cleanup
operations, as the main requirement is blotting spilled Chardonnay
instead of tanks of beer and puke.
“Arbor Eatums”
This new burger
joint takes up the entry way to the old Arb, supplying great greasy
food to all comers. Getting to the actual Arb for a nature walk is
obviously complicated by the new structure, but studies have shown
that students actually prefer food to nature and exercise.
“The Natural
Taste ... of Lyman!”
As everyone is
probably aware, there is a new mineral water plant at the far end of
Lyman Lakes, bottling up the Taste of Lyman to the Greater Dundas
metropolitan area. At first, there were fears of this business
taking over a significant portion of the campus, but the renevue
potential and the availability of low-paying, high-working jobs for
Student Aid recipients makes this a “natural” relationship for
the college. As the company hopes to take its product national,
Carleton is weighing the environmental impact of the facilities upon
such college traditions as May Fête,
the annual “freshman drowning”, and of course the regular Duck
Rape Festival in April.
Hadzi Scupture
Res-erected
This
infamous sculpture in front of the library was known, in our day, for
its striking (if somewhat awkward and painful) representation of
phallic imagery. It has suffered the fate of aging and is only held
erect by scaffolding and weekly oral application of
Viagra-infused sealant.
Pot Farm House
The nutty-crunchy
ideals of the 70's and 80's gave way to monetary realism in the 90's,
and Farm House now supplies most of the annual budgets for all
off-campus housing through its booming alternative agri-business.
Its tie into the “Medical Marijuana” industry in California, its
position as the dominant supplier for the apparently insatiable need
for drugs in St. Olaf, and its proximity to Canada and that
country's wealth of drug pipelines made the old Farm House a natural
leader in its field.
St. Olaf College of
Social Studies
St. Olaf is no
longer a separate institution, but was acquired in the heady days of
the late 90's to serve as a “finishing school” for Carleton
students. No longer will the college graduate smart people with no
social skills; instead, Carleton students will be required to take a
class in The Olaf School in order to graduate. Similar to the
swimming test, where Carleton students must bravely be able to jump
into the water without first dipping their toes in, the Olaf Credit
is a guaranteed measure of being able to talk to other human beings.
Alaternatives in the program include:
 | “You Betcha”:
How to speak Minnesotan. This class can be taken Freshman year by
students wishing to learn the local dialect to increase their ability
to converse with the natives. |
| “Grooming and
Blooming”: This course is available to all classes, and covers such
basic skills as hair combing, teeth brushing, and sending laundry
home to Mom. |
| “Responsible
Drinking”: This class is available only to 5th year seniors (due to
the drinking age requirements), and covers such social necessities as
holding a glass of wine property, carrying a glass of beer without
spilling it, and holding any type of alcoholic drink for at least an
hour without actually finishing it. |
| “Fit to a Tee”:
This course instructs students in the basics of golf, from proper
shirts to patterned pants, to appropriate sock colors. The course
also covers appropriate conversations for the 'links', such as money,
number of strokes, finances, weather, and money. |
Tunnel Silo Project
The 1990's saw our
beloved tunnels closed to students for good. The official reason was
liability and general fear of lawyers, but we all know it was a
statement of the faculty against the art and prose that the tunnels
had to offer.
Regardless, the
tunnels are now closed and inaccessible to the general population.
Around the same
time that the boulder was being rolled into place, the defence
department was lookinig for new homes for its long-range missiles.
These missiles had long inhabited silos in Nevada, where they didn't
bother either of the 2 people in the state. But since Nevada is
swiftly becoming a bedroom community for the San Francisco and Los
Angeles areas, people started to notice the nuclear warhead tips
sticking out of their vegetable patch and the DoD had to act.
Many of the
Carleton faculty are, of course, covert operatives workinig secretly
for the NSA, DoD, and BYOB, and thus knew of both the tunnels closure
and silo requirement; people were called, contracts were negotiated,
Haliburton was paid billions of dollars, and a new source of revenue
for the school was put into place: the Carleton tunnels now house 25
ICBMs.
The tunnels
provided the perfect way to move the missiles around (there are now
Lionel train tracks in all tunnels which carry the movable missiles
from place to place), and the dorimitories provide the perfect launch
shelters. For example, two of the missiles are pointed straight up
the elevators of Watson, ready to roll. Sure, there will be
collateral damage should the missiles be needed, or one of those
pesky “workplace accidents” occurs, but in the meantime, the
tunnels have come into their own and fulfill one of the most
important front line defence positions in our nation.
Chet
Haase, September 4, 2006
Give Until it Hurts. A Lot.
Now that we're past the spendy days of our youth when college funds were spent on such items as kegs for Sayles Hill parties, it is time to re-examine giving, and what it means to us.
Oh sure, the college needs the money because it costs $14 million per student per year and tuition is now only $13.8 million, and because we have to pay for that ad in the NewsWeek college rankings, and because the roach population in Musser is way out of control. But what are the real sociological reasons that would compell us to open up our tight little wallets and fork it over for the cause?
Let's do a top ten list. No, I'll go one better: a Top Eleven list.
11) Contributing now might make it possible for our kids to be able to afford to attend.
10) Contributing to a non-profit is a totally superior feeling.
9) Contributing to higher education is way easier than actually learning anything. Wouldn't you have bought your way out of that Poly Sci class if you could have?
8) You can be a 'donor' without having any of your internal organs removed.
7) You can see how you rank against your classmates every years, jockying for position on the Willis Bell and Betsy Foontag categories of the revered “Tome of Giving” catalog. Think of it as a really slow moving tournament, with one play per year. Did Joe Slinchtel beat you last year? Jump up two categories and see who has the bragging rights this year!
6) The more financially solvent the college is, the more chance Northfield will avoid becoming a housing development subdivision of Faribault.
5) What else were you going to do with that money? Did you really need another Ferrari?
4) You're helping the college become well-endowed. Heh.
3) Help the college in the annual fight against all of those snooty East Coast schools on the Newsweek rankings. The amount of money in the bank is one of the metrics in the overall score. Sure, the college could try to address other categories instead, like improving the quality of education or locating the campus in a place less arctic, but it turns out to be much easier to just pump up the endowment instead.
2) In contributing to Carleton, you're keeping the arts alive. Without Carleton film studies, how would some of these wacky films ever get shown anywhere?
1) All of your classmates are doing it. Don't get left out of the game. Again.
Chet
Haase, October 1, 2006
Reunion: A Definition
Reunion: Re-Union. From the Latin: Re (to do again) and union
(variant: onion)
Philosophers, some of which we enjoyed in Gary Iseminger's class, like
Foddo Gleestuck and Stuur Fliegel, have pondered deeply on the various
possible meanings of reunion.
One school of thought examines the onion as a metaphor of meaning
wrapping meaning; each time we gather we “unpeel” another layer of the
onion, discovering more of the meaning that was hitherto hidden to our
observation, until, eventually, there are no more layers and, when there are
none of us left to attend Reunion, nothing more to divine.
Another angle, from the Dundas school, examines the onion as a root
vegetable, one that must be unearthed to be enjoyed, much as our educational
and maturing experiences must be dug up from the filth of the reality in
which we find ourselves, and exposed to the sunlight of experience and
discussion. This, then, mirrors our own experience at reunion, as we learn
more and more from the 'unearthing' of experience through shared dialog in
the hallowed halls and dormitories.
Yet another, somewhat newer and more progressive, line of thought links
the onion to the expression of human sexuality, and the layers to different
modes and enjoyment of our own hidden sexual thoughts and experiences. This,
then, ties into reunion in the way that ... actually, I have to admit I
don't follow this one at all.
To me, this says it all about the reunion experience; getting together
every few years to stink again.
Come to Reunion in 2007. Stink with us.
Chet
Haase, November 11, 2006
The Class of 1987 Reunion Ditty
What follows is a critically acclaimed, beautiful poem, reminscent of some of the more subtle works of
Pound, the best of Wordsworth, and some verses found on used toilet paper
scraps in T.S. Elliot's home. It is currently being offered to The College at a low, low
licensing rate to become the new School Song, replacing whatever they have
now (almost certainly a dry and wheezy lyric set to the tune of some
Souza march). It is not clear that The College will go for it, but in
any case, it will always be our song.
See a dramatic reading of this poem on the poetry
page.
Reunion Ditty
Oh, what precious beauty shines
Upon the hills above?
What gloried place of learning
As comely as a dove? Could it be the school that I
Hold dearly in my heart?
Is it that amazing place
With which I'll never part? Carleton, dear Carleton
My spirit flies with you!
Wash my brain in many ways
And make it learn anew! Your liberal arts education
Fills me with such glee.
Now I'll leave this institution
Job and income free. But jobs in the real world cannot matter
When speaking of higher learning.
The quest for vast amounts of knowledge;
A student's only yearning. I do not want a job of worth
To society or myself.
I only want to read the books
Which sit upon my shelf. Read and read and read and read
And read and read and read.
And read and read and read some more;
Read read read read read read. Perhaps I'll take a little break
And catch some artsy flicks.
It's not a total waste of time
(And sure to impress the chicks). But mostly college taught me
Of ethics and of grammar
And how, if you say words like "chicks"
They'll put you in the slammer. Live on, oh beautiful Carleton,
And let the dream live on!
May students learn, and professors teach,
And investments pay off and the endowment reach
the predicted 300 billion dollar goal by 2037.
Based on a Humor Page article by Chet Haase and Jim
Friedmann, 1987.
Editing assistance from Jim, Chet, Phil Zrimsek, Julianne Herbert,
and Jeff Levy, August, 2006.
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